India Cowed Down By Italy?

So India has released Salvatore Girone and Massimiliano Latorre so that they can celebrate Christmas with their families in their home in Italy.  

Girone and Latorre, two Italian marines, are accused of shooting dead two Indian fishermen close to the coasts in Kerala.

The two marines chartered a plane on Saturday to fly back to Italy.  

Has India been bullied by Italy? Or is there some other reason?  

According to Hindustan Times (December 21, 2013), ‘The Kerala High Court gave the verdict as the Centre took a lenient view on the issue that was threatening to sour ties with Italy.’

The court has said the marines have to return to India by January 10, 2013 so that the trial against them can proceed. The court has also asked Italian consul to deposit Rs six crore as surety.

What if the marines do not return? Italy has always wanted the marines to be tired in an international court and not in India. What if Italy now says that India’s judicial process is too slow or the conditions in Indian prisons are very bad and hence it is not sending the two marines to India? Rs six crore is a very small amount for a developed country like Italy to forego for its two citizens.

Now, supposing two Indian soldiers had shot dead, say two Americans or two Chinese or two Germans. Would the US, China or Germany have freed the accused Indians so that they could have celebrated Diwali or Holi with their families in India?

Why have the two Italians been treated in a special way? There are millions of Indians in jails, undergoing trials. Why not free all of them so that they can reunite with their families for festivals?

The Italian marines had shot dead the Indian fishermen on February 15, 2012. Then, the Centre has taken a strong stand against Italy and that was surprising. The reason soon became clear – by-elections were due in Kerala in a couple of constituencies.

I would not have been shocked if I had read that an Indian Air Force plane was taking the marines to their country.

So, the Kerala High Court gave the verdict as the Centre took a lenient view on the issue that was threatening to sour ties with Italy. Do we have very strong ties with Italy as far as our economy, military or education is concerned?

We Indians have a strong bond with Italy regarding only one thing. No, you got me wrong. I meant the Italian food – pizza and pasta, they have become very popular in India.

Hindustan Times on Friday also carried a picture of the two Italian marines.

Rather than soldiers, they look more like Hollywood actors – muscular chests and flat bellies, altogether lean. And going by their body language, they do not seem to be repentant even a bit. Their chins were up and chests puffed out.

_ _ _  _  _

Rahul Gandhi, whenever he visits a place, tries to strike a chord with the people there. When he comes to Uttar Pradesh, he says, ‘UP is my ancestral home. My great grandfather, my grandfather, grandmother, my father represented the state in Parliament.....’

When he goes of Orissa, he says, ‘Orissa is special for me. This is the state where Indira ji gave her last speech.....’

On his visit to Kashmir some time back, he had said, ‘I can understand your problems because I am also a Kashmiri up to a great extent......’

Last night I had a dream in which I saw Rahul having a conversation with Girone and Latorre in private. He was telling them, ‘I can understand your plight. After all, I also have Italian blood in my veins……..’ 

When Stomach Rumbled In The Sky

A piece of advice for foreign minister Salman Khursheed – he should not take offence if a foreign traveller or tourist to India makes an unsavoury comment about our country.

Khursheed should not be like his predecessor S.M. Krishna who used to get offended if any foreigner made a critical comment, even if in lighter vein, about India.

Exactly a year back, BBC presenter Jeremy Clarkson in a travel show named Top Gear had travelled to a slum in India in a car that had a toilet seat in the boot.

Clarkson had said in the programme that toilet in cars in India were a necessity as westerners here often suffered from diarrhoea due to hot and spicy Indian food.

Krishna was peeved with Clarkson and his comment. He had asked the Indian high commissioner in London to talk to the producers of Top Gear.

But two modern day Ibn Batutas recently discovered that Indian food do upset stomachs, at wrong time and place.

Perdu Ornab and Perdu Mark, brothers and natives of New Caledonia, a small island in south-west Pacific Ocean are at present hopscotching the world in a small two-seater plane.

They are flying from east to west and reached Kolkata from Dhaka a month back.

After spending a couple of days in Kolkata, the Perdus took off from Kolkata in the noon of November 7 for New Delhi. The distance between Kolkata and New Delhi is 1500 km. The weather conditions were fine and flying smooth.

When the plane was gliding over the great plains of Uttar Pradesh, Perdu Mark felt a slight rumbling in his stomach.

He did not give a second thought to the rumbling and concentrated on navigating the plane.

But he soon realised that the rumbling was increasing. He was alarmed. He felt needed to use a toilet urgently. But then a two-seater plane has nothing expect two seats in the cockpit.

Perdu Mark’s condition aggravated. He felt he was losing control over his bowels. His clutched his swelling stomach in agony. He realised stomach would burst its seams if he did not go to a toilet within few minutes. He groaned as he checked the meters of the plane which showed that he was flying at a speed of 200 km per hour, at a height of 20,000 feet.

Perdu Orsab contacted air traffic control office (ATC) in Kolkata and apprised it about his brother’s pathetic condition.

The ATC asked for their location. The Perdus checked the meters and the map and found that they were nearing Kanpur (my home).

The ATC gave the two travellers a useless piece of information. The ATC official said, ‘You can land in Kanpur. But the aerodrome in Kanpur is managed and controlled by the Indian Air Force. You have to take permission from foreign and defence ministries of India for landing there. But sensing your position, we think that’s not possible for you now.’

Perdu Mark rubbed his belly, hoping to get some relief while his brother barked at the ATC official, ‘Thanks for your suggestion. So what do we do now?’

‘Try Amausi airport in Lucknow. You can make an unscheduled landing at a civil airport in case of a medical emergency,’ said the ATC official.

Without wasting any time in thanking ATC, Kolkata, Perdu Orsab contacted the ATC, Lucknow and told them that he wanted to make an emergency landing due to an emergency medical condition.   

Indians believe in ‘Atithhi Devo Bhava.’ A foreigner is most welcome; an ailing foreigner is all the more welcome. ATC, Lucknow gave the Perdus a green signal. Perdu Orsab’s last message to ATC, Lucknow was: ‘Please keep the toilets unoccupied and their doors open.’

The plane had not even come to a halt when Perdu Mark jumped out and sprinted.

I came to know about the plight of the Perdus from a Bangla newspaper. The report in the newspaper was rightly headlined ‘akash-e veg’ (pressure in the air). I can’t read Bangla and my father had read the report to me.

The Perdus have most probably left India. I don’t know if they will again visit our country. My sympathies are with them.

Nowadays, whenever I see a plane or helicopter hovering directly over me, I move indoors. You can’t be sure.

Bengalis are argumentative by nature. The officials at ATC, Kolkata are still debating what food led to Perdo Mark’s ‘medical condition.’ One is saying the Perdus took off after eating jhaal moori; another is saying they had egg-roll.

How I got to know about Ponty Chaddha

A piece of advice for foreign minister Salman Khursheed – he should not take offence if a foreign traveller or tourist to India makes an unsavoury comment about our country.

Khursheed should not be like his predecessor S.M. Krishna who used to get offended if any foreigner made a critical comment, even if in lighter vein, about India.

Exactly a year back, BBC presenter Jeremy Clarkson in a travel show named Top Gear had travelled to a slum in India in a car that had a toilet seat in the boot.

Clarkson had said in the programme that toilet in cars in India were a necessity as westerners here often suffered from diarrhoea due to hot and spicy Indian food.

Krishna was peeved with Clarkson and his comment. He had asked the Indian high commissioner in London to talk to the producers of Top Gear.

But two modern day Ibn Batutas recently discovered that Indian food do upset stomachs, at wrong time and place.

Perdu Ornab and Perdu Mark, two natives of New Caledonia, a small island in south-west Pacific Ocean are at present hopscotching the world in a small two-seater plane.

They are flying from east to west and reached Kolkata from Dhaka a month back.

After spending a couple of days in Kolkata, the Perdus took off from Kolkata in the noon of November 7 for New Delhi. The distance between Kolkata and New Delhi is 1500 km. The weather conditions were fine and flying smooth.

When the plane was gliding over the great plains of Uttar Pradesh, Perdu Mark felt a slight rumbling in his stomach.

He did not give a second thought to the rumbling and concentrated on navigating the plane.

But he soon realised that the rumbling was increasing. He was alarmed. He felt needed to use a toilet urgently. But then a two-seater plane has nothing expect two seats in the cockpit.

Perdu Mark’s condition aggravated. He felt he was losing control over his bowels. His clutched his swelling stomach in agony. He realised stomach would burst its seams if he did not go to a toilet within few minutes. He groaned as he checked the meters of the plane which showed that he was flying at a speed of 200 km per hour, at a height of 20,000 feet.

Perdu Orsab contact air traffic control office (ATC) in Kolkata and apprised it about his brother’s pathetic condition.

The ATC asked for their location. The Perdus checked the meters and the map and found that they were nearing Kanpur (my home).

The ATC gave the two travellers a useless piece of information. The ATC official said, ‘You can land in Kanpur. But the aerodrome in Kanpur is managed and controlled the Indian Air Force. You have to take permission from foreign and defence ministries of India for landing there. But sensing your position, we think that’s not possible for you now.’

Perdu Mark rubbed his belly for some relief while his brother barked at the ATC official, ‘Thanks for your suggestion. So what do we do now?’

‘Try Amausi airport in Lucknow. You can make an unscheduled landing at a civil airport in case of a medical emergency,’ said the ATC official.

Without wasting any time in thanking ATC, Kolkata, Orsab Perdu contacted the ATC, Lucknow and told them that he wanted to make an emergency landing due to an emergency medical condition.   

Indians believe in ‘Atithhi Devo Bhava.’ A foreigner is most welcome; an ailing foreigner is all the more welcome. ATC, Lucknow gave the Perdus a green signal. Perdu Orsab’s last message to ATC, Lucknow was: ‘Please keep the toilets unoccupied and their doors open.’

The plane had not even come to a halt when Perdu Mark jumped out and sprinted.

I came to know about the plight of the Perdus from a Bangla newspaper. The report in the newspaper was rightly headlined ‘akash-e veg’ (pressure in the air). I can’t read Bangla and my father had read the report to me.

The Perdus have most probably left India. I don’t know if they will again visit India. My sympathies are with them.

Nowadays, whenever I see a plane or helicopter hovering over me directly, I move indoors. You can’t be sure.

Bengalis are argumentative by nature. The officials at ATC, Kolkata are still debating what food led to Perdo Mark’s ‘medical condition.’ One is saying the Perdus took off after eating jhaal moori; another is saying they had egg-roll.

The Gandhis and the bungalows of Lutyen’s Delhi

The headline of a story in Hindustan Times last Friday read ‘Rahul leads from a new address.’

The story said that Rahul Gandhi to expand his role in the Congress Party had started working actively from a new office.

The address of the new office, mentioned in the story was 15, Gurdwara Rakabgung Road, New Delhi.

Reading the story I realised Rahul’s new office is in one of those beautiful bungalows that dot Lutyen’s Delhi. 

Most of the bungalows in Lutyen’s Delhi look similar – single-storied, white and cubic in shape, with green lawns rolling out on all sides.

The bungalows, it seems, having found a comfortable place in the midst of acres of green, are squatting comfortably and brooding forever.

The bungalows look unoccupied and lifeless from the road. You do not see anybody and any activity beyond the boundary walls, except a couple of armed men in khakis at the gate.

Reading the story in Hindustan Times, several questions came to my mind.

Rahul Gandhi as a Member of Parliament is entitled to an accommodation in Delhi. He has been allotted one – 12, Tughlaq Road – a bungalow in Lutyen’s Delhi. It also doubles up as his office.

Why does he need another bungalow and another office?

Who is the allottee of 15, Gurdwara Rakabgunj Road? Rahul or somebody else?

If the bungalow has been allotted to Rahul, then why and in what capacity?

Is it ethical if the bungalow has been allotted to somebody else and Rahul has set up his office in it? Has he usurped the bungalow?

Can Rahul have as many bungalows in Delhi as he likes?

Can Members of Parliament of other parties like L.K. Advani or Sharad Pawar or Mulayam Singh Yadav have more than one bungalow in Delhi?

Who is the owner of 15, Gurdwara Rakabgunj Road – the central government or the Delhi government? Or is it privately owned? 

In any case, what’s the rent of the bungalow? Has the rent been subsidised or is it being charged at the market or commercial rate? Who is paying the rent?

The Hindustan Times story said that Rahul Gandhi was using 15, Gurdwara Rakabgunj Road as a war room – to make strategies for general elections in 2014 and also assembly elections to be held in many states in 2013 and 2014.

According to the story, only top leaders of the Congress Party like Sonia Gandhi, Ahmed Patel, Digvijaya Singh, Janardan Dwivedi, Oscar Fernandes, Motilal Vora and Jairam Ramesh have an access to the bungalow. Only matters related to the Congress Party are discussed at 15, Gurdwara Rakabgunj Road – issues related to governance are not taken up.

Reading the story, another question flashed in my mind – where does Priyanka Gandhi lives in Delhi?

We all know that Sonia Gandhi lives in 10, Janpath and Rahul 12, Tughlaq Road.

Has Priyanka Gandhi also been provided a government bungalow? I was expecting the answer to be yes. The government can always cite security reasons for providing her a bungalow. I also thought that may be Priyanka Gandhi and Robert Vadra have been provided separate bungalows for security reasons. 

I tried finding the answers in google and wikipedia. While trying the two sites, I realised that rasheedkidwai.com was better than the two websites in matters related to the Gandhi family and the Congress Party. There is no such site at present. I just made it.

Rasheed Kidwai is a senior journalist and can be considered an encyclopedia on the Congress Party and its leaders. He has written two books – biography of Sonia Gandhi and history of the Congress Party.    

I was happy to see Mr. Kidwai ‘available’ on gmail chat.

I messaged him, ‘Where does Priyanka Gandhi live?’

Prompt came the reply, ‘34, Lodhi Road.’

He messaged me again after a few seconds, ‘Oops, sorry. It’s 35, Lodhi Road.’

‘Provided by government?’

‘Yes.’

I was not surprised.

‘Why? She is not holding any constitutional post.’

‘For security reasons.’

As expected.

‘Robert Vadra also lives there? Or has he been allotted a separate bungalow?’

‘Vadra also lives in 35, Lodhi Road. But Priyanka has an office in a bungalow on Pundit Pant Marg. That bungalow has been allotted to captain Satish Sharma.’

While exchanging messages with Mr Kidwai, I recalled a conversation I had with him some years back.

He had said, ‘Apart from their homes and offices, the Gandhis directly or indirectly are in possession of several bungalows in Lutyen’s Delhi. They head several trusts and memorials that they have set up in the names of Jawahar Lal Nehru, Indira Gandhi and Rajiv Gandhi. The offices of most of the trusts or memorials are in the bungalows of Lutyen’s Delhi.’

Mr. Kidwai also provided an interesting piece of information. He said there were many trusts and memorials in New Delhi dedicated to Jawahar Lal Nehru, Indira Gandhi and Rajeev Gandhi. But Sanjay Gandhi Trust has been reduced to one room in 24, Akbar Road, the headquarters of the Congress Party.

In days to come, I will not be surprised if I read a headline – Rahul to strengthen Youth Congress from a new address or Priyanka to manage Rae Bereli elections from a new office. 

Jaspal Bhatti – the first crusader against corruption and representative of common man

A man is disgusted with his tenant and wants to throw him out. But he is helpless as his tenant is too smart. The man has forgotten that he possesses Aladdin’s lamp. His wife suggests he should take help of the genie to get rid of the tenant.  

As the man rubs the lamp, not one, but two genies jump out. They are quarrelling. The man asks his genie about the other genie and why are they quarrelling. His genie, pointing to the other genie, replies, ‘This genie moved into my lamp as a tenant and is now demanding Rs 1.5 lakh to vacate it.’

The scene was from Flop Show, a serial, in Jaspal Bhatti’s own words was misdirected by him. Of course, Jaspal Bhatti was also the lead actor of the serial.

A mother-daughter duo recently set themselves ablaze in Kanpur after they were unable to evict a rogue tenant from their house. The tenant had been living for decades and was paying only a pittance as rent. The daughter died while undergoing treatment while the mother is still in a serious condition.

We saw Flop Show in 1989 but the issues raised and highlighted by Jaspal Bhatti are relevant even 23 years later.

Today nobody watches Doordarshan. But ask anybody who is in his thirties or older and he will say that the golden period of Indian television was in the eighties of the last century; when Doordarshan being the only channel was the king.

People like Shyam Benegal, Prakash Jha, Ramesh Sippy and Shankar Nag directed serials for Doordarshan.

9 p.m. of the weekdays was strictly reserved only for the serial.

There was variety.

Hum Log and Buniyaad appealed to those who wanted something serious.

Yeh Jo Hai Zinadgi and Mungeri Lal Ke Haseen Sapney made us laugh.

Katha Sagar and Khazana introduced us to the works of the greatest writers of the world.

The World this Week was our window to the world.

There were comedy serials but Jaspal Bhatti’s Flop Show was unique as it was the first serial that attacked the systems that harassed the common man. And the way he attacked was inimitable.

It was only in Flop Show that you saw contractors holding a conference to discuss how to build houses without using cement or a civil engineer using his knowledge to break into houses to steal.  

Not only Jaspal Bhatti’s creativity even his vision was par excellence. 

In one episode of Flop Show, Jaspal Bhatti showed how government officials hold meeting after meeting but the end result is always zero.

Officials of the Kanpur Development Authority for the last several years have been holding meetings to find some solution to the problem of lack of parking space for vehicles in Kanpur. The solution is yet to be found and the problem is only aggravating.

Jaspal Bhatti not only had the audacity to mock at the Indian Babudom but also at himself. Otherwise why would he misdirect a serial and name it Flop Show?

But it was not Flop Show that made Jaspal Bhatti famous throughout the country. Much before Flop Show, it was Ulta Pulta that had made Jaspal Bhatti a household name. Today, can we imagine a person becoming famous throughout the country for the programme that was a filler?

We remembered Jaspal Bhatti even when Flop Show had gone off air.

He continued raising issues that troubled the common man – rise in the price of onions or corruption of government officials.

Once, Jaspal Bhatti suggested that government officials who are honest or not able to indulge in corrupt practices should be given a special allowance so that their income is at par with corrupt officials.

Today, many feel Arvind Kejiwal is fighting against corruption and representing the common man.

I feel that Jaspal Bhatti was the first crusader against corruption and the first representative of the common man. His way was different. He used his creativity, humour and wit instead of fasts and sit-ins.

I cannot identify myself with Arvind Kejriwal but I was able to identify myself with Jaspal Bhatti.

I felt it was a personal loss as I heard the news of his death on television – the same television on which I had seen Flop Show and Ulta Pulta. I think that those who grew up with me also feel the same.

Jaspal Bhatti is dead. May his soul rest in peace. We will always remember him. But it will be a bad thing for India if the issues he had raised through Flop Show and Ulta Pulta remain relevant in the country even 25 or 50 years. 

What irks Sonia Gandhi more – a non-functioning air-conditioner or rapes?

Sonia Gandhi a few years back went on a two-day long visit to her constituency Rae Bareli in Uttar Pradesh.

She was to stay at the guest house of the National Thermal Power Corporation (NTPC) during her visit.

Her first day in the constituency was quite hectic. She attended many public functions, met several people and addressed a couple of public meetings.

As an exhausted Sonia Gandhi retired to the guest house at the end of the day, she found the air-conditioner of her suite not working due to power failure. She was furious.

She straightaway phoned and chided Sushil Kumar Shinde who was the power minister at that time.

There were two reasons for Sonia Gandhi calling Sushil Kumar Shinde. Being the power minister, it was his duty to see that the country got sufficient power supply and as the ultimate boss of the NTPC he was responsible for the maintenance of the NTPC guest house at Rae Bareli.

The phone call had the desired effect and within seconds, the air-conditioner in Sonia Gandhi’s room started working.

Sonia Gandhi a couple of days back was in Haryana to meet the family of a rape victim who has committed suicide.

Was it necessary for Sonia Gandhi to visit Haryana where rape incidents have become a routine affair?

What jolted Sonia Gandhi out of her complacence and make her visit Haryana after as many as 12 women and girls had been raped – assembly elections in Gujarat and Himachal Pradesh? 2014 general elections? Charges of corruption against the Congress in general and his son-in-law in particular?

The way Sonia Gandhi called Sushil Kumar Shinde for power failure; she could have easily phoned and rebuked Haryana chief minister Bhupinder Singh Hooda when the first incident of rape had been reported from the state.

Bhupinder Singh Hooda is a known loyalist of the present Gandhi family. A phone from Sonia Gandhi would have definitely worked. Had Hooda taken stern action after the first incident of rape, 11 more rapes could have been checked.

A 15-year-old girl was raped some time back in Jind district of Haryana. The victim later committed suicide. Sonia Gandhi on Tuesday met the family members of the dead rape victim. She has promised that apart from money and police security, one member of the family will also get a job.

Let’s shift our focus to Uttar Pradesh and rewind a bit once again. Mayawati was the chief minister of Uttar Pradesh at that time and Rita Bahuguna Joshi was the Uttar Pradesh Congress President.

Rape incidents were rising then in Uttar Pradesh and Mayawati was announcing money as compensation to the rape victims.

Rita Bahugana Joshi had made unsavoury comments about Mahaywati offering money to the rape victims. The Bahujan Samaj Party members were incensed and had attacked Rita Bahuguna Joshi’s house in Lucknow.

Now that Sonia Gandhi is offering compensation to the rape victims of Haryana, would Rita Bahuguna Joshi make some comments or express her views? 

Why did Pranab Mukherjee skip Bose’s name in his presidential address?

The Bengalis who were jubilant over Pranab Mukherjee becoming the president of India must have become dejected after watching his swearing in ceremony.

Some must have even felt that Mukherjee has betrayed the Bengalis.

Mukherjee in his first address as the president said, ‘Our national mission must continue to be what it was when the generation of Mahatma Gandhi, Jawaharlal Nehru, Sardar Patel, Rajendra Prasad, Ambedkar and Maulana Azad offered us a tryst with destiny: to eliminate the curse of poverty, and create such opportunities for the young that they can take our India forward by quantum leaps.’

Mukherjee named all prominent leaders of India’s struggle for independence expect Subhas Chandra Bose.

Was Mukherjee’s skipping the name of Bose a blunder?

In India, the president’s address has a stamp of the ruling party.

Is the ruling party of India trying to erase the name of Bose from the history of India’s freedom movement?

Exactly five years back Pratibha Patil in a similar way in her first address as the president of India had excluded the name of Bose.

The Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) then had strongly objected to Bose’s name not finding a mention in Patil’s presidential address.

It will be interesting to see if the BJP again raises the issue.

But more interesting will be the reaction of Forward Bloc, a party that was founded by Bose and now supported Mukherjee in the presidential elections.

On Naipaul’s watching a mujrah, his visit to red-light district and his foresightedness

A Lucknow newspaper has started a column named ‘The Awadh I saw.’ People who have lived in Lucknow for long are recounting their experiences of the city in the column.

The latest column that I found quite interesting was written by Ram Advani, the owner of Advani Bookshop, one of the oldest bookshops of Lucknow.

Advani in the column has written about his meetings with VS Naipaul when the writer visited Lucknow.

According to Advani, Naipaul had visited Lucknow in 1965 or 66. Naipaul wanted to see the red-light district of Lucknow and asked Advani to take him there. Advani had refused.

Naipaul came up with another demand – he wanted to watch mujrah.

Advani in Naipaul’s presence phoned Sunny Singh, the co-owner of Carlton Hotel in Lucknow and asked him if he could arrange mujrah for Naipaul.

Sunny Singh said it would be a costly affair. Naipaul said, ‘Money is not an issue.’

The mujrah was organised for Naipaul in room number 102 of Carlton Hotel. Advani writes that Naipaul was happy to watch the mujrah. After watching the mujrah, Naipaul visited the red-light district of Lucknow.

= = = = = = = = = =

Naipaul visited Lucknow once again in the eighties for doing research for the book he was writing on India. Nasir Abid, a copywriter with an advertisement agency in Lucknow was Naipaul’s guide. Naipaul stayed in Lucknow for five days and Abid took him around the city.

Advani in the column quotes Abid – ‘Summing up Naipaul as a human being, I would better not like to comment. But as a craftsman, he was excellent.’

Advani ends the column by saying, ‘Today, when I look back, I feel honoured that a man of Naipaul’s stature visited my shop and exchanged notes. As an individual I was disappointed with him. But as a writer, there can be no doubt that he was par excellence.’

= = = = = = = = = =

Is Naipaul a man with great foresight?

Today, newspapers, magazines and news channels are conducting surveys to find out, ‘Who is the greatest Indian (living or dead)?’ Many Indians has accepted that Mahatma Gandhi is the greatest Indian and so the hunt is also on for the ‘second greatest Indian after Gandhi.’

Did he foresee that today we would be debating who is the greatest Indian or the second greatest Indian?

Naipaul’s first novel, published in 1957 was ‘The Mystic Masseur.’

The protagonist of the novel, Ganesh writes a book named ‘101 Questions and Answers on the Hindu Religion.’

Question number forty-six of Ganesh’s book is, ‘Who is the greatest modern Hindu?’

Answer – Mahatma Gandhi.

Question number forty-seven – Who is the second greatest modern Hindu?

Answer – Pandit Jawahar Lal Nehru.

Question number forty-eight – Who is the third greatest modern Hindu?

This question remains unanswered.

Naipaul was off the mark, but only a bit.

= = = = = = = = = =

Some time back, I received a friend’s request on facebook from a person named Harry D.

I was puzzled. I did not know any person by that name. I clicked on Harry D’s profile and photograph.

Harry D was actually Hari Darshan Chaturvedi. He was two years junior to me in school and at present works as a software engineer with an American company.

So Hari Darshan Chaturvedi had become a more hip Harry D on facebook.

The full name of Ganesh, the protagonist of The Mystic Masseur, is Ganesh Ramsumair. He goes to England and becomes G. Ramsay Muir.

With Pranab Da as prez; goodbye to Bengali jokes?

I am happy that Pranab Mukherjee will soon become the President of India. I am happy not because he is also a Bengali. My views are not so parochial. There is another reason.

I grew up in Kanpur, Uttar Pradesh where there are not many Bengalis.

At school, being the only Bengali in the class, I would often become the butt of Bengali jokes.

I clearly remember that when I was in class two, some classmates on seeing me would start reciting a limerick in a singsong way – Bangali babu, sadi machchhi khabu, latrine jabu, kabhi na abu. (The Bengali eats rotten fish; upsets his stomach and spends time forever in the latrine.)

I would become depressed. I would be ashamed of being a Bengali. My depression would turn into agony when on returning home from school my mother would serve fish curry and rice for lunch.

I would protest and tell her the reason. She would say, ‘Do not worry. The fish that I have prepared is fresh. You should not bother about what others say.’

I was the target of Bengali jokes even in higher classes.

‘Do you know the Bengalis are the most coward people on this earth?’ a classmate once said.

‘How can you say that?’

He started telling a joke.

A quintessential Bengali would often brag about his bravery. His Sikh friend once asked him, ‘Can I place the barrel of a gun across your shoulder and fire?’ The Bengali was dead scared but it was the question of Bengali pride. He agreed.

The Bengali’s legs started shaking as he felt the barrel of the gun on his shoulder. His koortah became wet with his perspiration when he heard the bullet being loaded.

The gun was fired and to the Bengali’s astonishment, he did not faint.

‘You are really brave,’ said the Sikh, ‘but you need to change your koortah. It has become wet.’

Panting, the Bengali replied, ‘Sardar Ji, I need to change my dhoti too.’

I can’t reason why there are so many jokes in which a Bengali is either handling a gun or going for hunting.

A few months back, a friend sent me a poem, which he claimed had been written by a Bengali teacher around 100 years back. Here’s the poem –

Through the jongole I am went
On shooting Tiger I am bent
Boshtaard Tiger has eaten wife
No doubt I will avenge poor darling's life
Too much quiet, snakes and leeches
But I not fear these sons of beeches
Hearing loud noise I am jumping with start
But noise is coming from my damn fool heart
Taking care not to be fright
I am clutching rifle tight with eye to sight
Should Tiger come I will shoot and fall him down
Then like hero return to native town
Then through trees I am espying one cave
I am telling self - 'Bannerjee be brave'
I am now proceeding with too much care
From far I smell this Tiger's lair
My leg shaking, sweat coming, I start pray
I think I will shoot Tiger some other day
Turning round I am going to flee
But Tiger giving bloody roar spotting Bengalee
He bounding from cave like footballer Pele
I run shouting 'Kali Ma tumi kothay gele'
Through the jongole I am running
With Tiger on my tail closer coming
I am a telling that never in life
I will risk again for my damn wife!!!!

After some time, the friend coolly said, ‘I hope I have not offended you.’

‘Not at all,’ I replied.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Ululating by Bengali women is another thing that for I have often been mocked at.

It is something very strange for the non-Bengalis who never have had Bengali friends.

Bengali women are always ready to ululate. No religious ceremony of the Bengalis is complete without ululation.

The long Bengali wedding ceremony is interspersed with ululations.

Bengali women ululate during During Puja. Ululating competitions are held for women during the Puja.

One day an acquaintance asked me, ‘Do Bengalis also ululate when somebody in their home is dead?’

Another asked, ‘Black magic is quite common in Bengal. Is ululating a part of black magic?’

I would feel like piercing my eardrums when my mother every day would ululate while doing puja.

One day I asked her, ‘Can’t you do away with your ululations?’

‘Are you mad?’ she said with surprise.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

When I was in college, a Punjabi female friend asked, ‘Why do Bengalis make balls of rice while eating?’

I had never heard about balls of rice. I cocked my ears and asked, ‘Balls of rice?’

‘Bengalis while eating do not simply mix rice and dal or curry. They keep on rolling the rice on the palm with their fingers till they have a ball. The balls are so perfect that you can pop them into your month; like peanuts,’ she said and giggled.

‘How do Punjabis eat rice?’ I asked.

‘Punjabis do not make balls,’ she said.

I said, ‘Today you are my friend, tomorrow you may become my girlfriend and day after tomorrow my wife. Then you also will be making balls with rice and popping them into your mouth.’

‘That will never happen.’

‘What will never happen – you becoming my wife or you not making balls of rice?’ I asked.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

I have mentioned in an earlier post that while living in Bhopal, I would spend my afternoons at the Indian Coffee House with journalists.

One day, an elderly journalist, with an impish smile asked, ‘Why are Bengalis called Bhookha Bengalis (starving Bengalis)?’

‘Do I look like a starving Bengali from any angle?’ I said.

He continued smiling and said, ‘But why are Bengalis called so?’

‘I have no idea. May be due to the famine in Bengal,’

‘You are a Bengali and you must try to find out,’ he said.

I nodded.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

I am happy that Pranab Da will soon occupy Rashtrapi Bhawan.

Now if a friend says that Bengalis are coward, I will reply, ‘Have some sense, man. Do you think a coward can be the supreme commander of the Indian armed forces?’

If a friend asks me if why Bengali women ululate, I will say, ‘May be, they follow the family members of our president.’

If somebody asks why Bengalis are called Bhookha Bengalis, my answer will be, ‘Our president is Bengali. Why do not you send a mail to him and ask him?’

Mobile phone can also help you to raise a family

Some time back, a friend visited me after a long time. She wanted to have a long chat with me. But we couldn’t converse for long.

After every couple of minutes, her mobile phone would ring and she would leave the drawing room. She wouldn’t even say, ‘Excuse me.’

She would return and ask me, again, ‘So, what’s new?’

I had told her about every new and old thing of my life, several times, that day. I was bored and exhausted.

If her phone didn’t ring then it beeped. She would receive a new message. Ignoring me, she would read the messages and immediately send the replies.

A time came when I felt like placing my foot on her heavy back and throwing her out of my house. I restrained myself.

I have been using a mobile phone for the last 15 years but have always considered it a burden.

I see boys and girls on date in restaurants. Much of their attention is towards their mobile phone, not in the conversation. They do not want to miss even one call or one SMS.

A young friend of mine on meeting me, always says, ‘Dada, buy a mobile phone.’

I ask him, ‘Why? What’s wrong with my phone?’

‘You are not connected to the Internet with this phone, the camera is not good and there is no question of movie quality. You cannot see movies on your phone,’ he says.

I reply, ‘I use this phone for talking, for remaining connected with my father and brother. That’s all. For Internet I have a computer, for taking photos I use a camera and I don’t watch movies.’

He is not convinced. He shows his new phone to me. ‘I bought this phone last week. Not much, just Rs 30, 000,’ he says and starts explaining to me its features. I feel like committing suicide.

As I have said earlier, I always disliked mobile phones.

But after getting to know the story of S, my acquaintance, I realised that mobile phones are not that bad. Apart from being used as a computer, camera, home theatre, a mobile can also help you to raise families.

= = = = = = = = = = =

S, the acquaintance, got married three years back. But he was not able to have a baby.

He went to a specialist.

The specialist wrote a prescription asking S to get some of his ‘body fluids’ tested. He also wrote the name of the lab in the prescription.

S developed cold feet when he reached the lab.

He had never got his ‘body fluids’ tested before. The question in his mind was, ‘How?’ Moreover, he found an extremely beautiful girl sitting at the reception counter.

He swallowed several times. Mustering courage, S went to her. She was busy talking on her mobile phone.

S was nervous and shy. His legs shook.

He was not able to face the girl. His kept his eyes low.

S gave the girl the prescription. She glanced at it while talking on her mobile phone.

The girl picked a test tube from the test tube rack kept at the counter, gave it to S and waved towards a corner of the reception hall.

Everything was very casual for the girl. But S’s heart nearly stopped beating due to shame.

S went to the corner. He found himself standing in front of a cubicle. ‘Wash Room’ were the words written on its door.

S came out 15 minutes later.

He was now filled with embarrassment. S went to the counter and replaced the empty test tube on the test tube rack.

The girl was still talking on her mobile phone. S collected his prescription and saying, ‘I will come tomorrow,’ left the lab.

S straightway went to a liquor shop and bought a bottle of rum. It was only noon.

He finished half bottle by the time it was evening.

S drank till late in the night but still was unable to sleep. At two a.m. he had an idea.

He got up and switched on his computer. He downloaded some videos and pictures from the computer to his mobile phone.

He confidently went to the lab the next day.

= = = = = = = = = = =

The specialist, going through the results of the tests, found S suffered from something of very minor in nature. He treated S.

A few days back, I received a message from S which said, ‘U hav bcom uncle.’

‘When vl b d party?’ I messaged back.